27 years…

I recently celebrated my 27^th birthday this past weekend. Rather than reflect on that day or the things I did, I would rather like to take a look back. It is something I don’t really do anymore, I don’t like looking in the rear view mirror. Some of those things bring back too much emotion for me, so I don’t even bother looking back at many things; but back there, I did also manage to fit in some great and amazing memories as well. I try not so much to peer too far into the future, and I avoid digging in the past if I can so as not to become mesmerized and day dream of the good moments; nor be brought down and not know quite how to feel about the bad ones.

When I was about 15 years old, I was seeing a bunch of counselors and on Zyprexa or some shit for depression. My mother had just died, and I was in trouble with the law and quite frankly I didn’t give too much of a fuck about anything anymore. To me, life was over. My mother was really all I had at that point in time, along with the state of Colorado I guess. I had just met my father, and things weren’t very good for me on that front, and biological mom was out doing her thing, whatever it was. I remember seeing the counselor one day, and them saying I had already lived the life of a 45 year old at that point, and I was only about 15 at the oldest. I didn’t think much of it then, other than, “ya, no shit, you should try living those 45 years yourself.” Or something smart ass or off the wall, cuz the world owed me, apparently, at that point.

Well about 12 years later, I feel like Im at about 60. The difference this time is I managed to get some really good times in there, times that made me younger and added years to my life, rather than took them away and made me not even want to see them. Sure, there was more grief, more bullshit, more craziness to deal with before things smoothed out, don’t kid yourself. I continued to walk on through hell battling demons after demons until about the age of 20. They will always be there, you will always have to fight them, but after this point I felt like I finally had the upper hand on them.

I have been through group homes, proctor homes, juvenile halls, boot camps, jail, house arrest, ankle monitors, probation, parole, I have ran away countless times from home, I have attempted suicide more than once, I have been cheated on, what I thought was one of my best friends has fucked me over for over 1000 dollars when it was all  I had, my first love ran off and got pregnant the first time, and the 2^nd ran off and got married the second time and has led me to avoid at all costs a 3^rd encounter with love, I have lost houses, and cars, and started over countless times, I have failed, failed and failed and have yet to reach the success that I desire or envision for myself.

When I was younger, I used to have to steal my school clothes, at times I used to have to steal groceries or school supplies, I used to have to hitchhike from far out of town to make it to school, I have slept in the bathrooms of gas stations, and parks. For most of my life I didn’t have my mother or father around, especially through the hardest storms when it rained and thundered so uncontrollably that I thought it might kill me. I have went in blind rages in the cells of the confinement I was in as a juvenile and painted pictures in my own blood, and wrote things on the wall I don’t care to recall. I have done the same thing in places I have lived, over “love”. I have completely lost my mind before, I can honestly say. I can remember the things that have hurt me most, as well as that which has brought me most joy and pride, and sadly, they have intertwined at times into one another.

That will be enough of my pains and those skeletons for now. Most people are afraid to expose their skeletons in the closet; me, I don’t like living with that extra weight on my shoulders weighing my soul down, so I try and let it out however I can. That used to entail hurting myself because I would get so mad or depressed that it felt as if my veins would catch fire and it needed to come out, and it usually did in the form of my own blood or broken walls or glass or mirrors. The roller coaster I have been on in my day has been very volatile and a wild crazy ride and had me ready to not only get off at times, but to jump off. My life had seemed like it was cursed, into living that way every day, forever.

Then all of a sudden, I was in college. God gave me a chance. Someone that came from my situation should probably never get to college because life itself is a challenge enough, much less college. The road I was on as well as my genes, should have led me to alcoholism, drug addiction, running with the wrong crowds, prison and or death. At least one of those things should have happened to me, and by the grace of god and my guardian angel, none of those things happened. I cant stress the importance of an education for people in my situation, other than the financial burdens it places on those in my situations where it severely impacts your ability to really reach your potential later in life. I do appreciate the education I got, but for the foreseeable future, I won’t be owning my own home any time soon, if ever, a new car will be extremely difficult to ever get and things like that that require you to have no debt and good credit. Someone from situation has to work for every cent I get, I get no hand me downs, and so its going to be awhile before I can actually positively affect the economy in the form of real estate purchases or investments, stock market, foreign exchange market and things like that.

In my 27 years here, the most important things I have learned are patience, fortitude, perseverance, and being able to adjust to change. It has been said the only constant in life is change, and that is as true as it gets. People tend to get comfortable in their lives, and never move out of that comfort zone. It has also been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. We tend to want to take our homes and the comforts of, everywhere we go. We live in such bubbles, at home and away from it. Now when people go camping, they want it to be just like home but out in the woods rather than experiencing the wild for what it really is.

Sometimes you have to shit outside, in a hole, and bury it. Sometimes you have to catch a fish to eat, and skin it and cut its head off and gut it. Sometimes you have to build a fire for warmth, or for light at night. Most people don’t know what that’s about, or care to know what that’s about, but that’s what we humans came from. I believe one day we will have to regress to those fundamental ways of living that humans did for however long before industry and technology came along and offset the ways humans were living for thousands or millions of years, but in just a short time they changed humans. The plastic packaging with the already slaughtered animals ready to throw on the stove or bbq won’t always be around. One day those bubbles we all live in are going to burst; and those most adaptive to change will survive and thrive.

Patience will be taught by the universe anyways, but it will not always be learned by the individual. We really don’t have a choice but to be patient in most matters of life. During pregnancy, one must wait 9 months for their child; we must wait until we are 18 to go to a register to buy cigarettes, or porn; another 3 years to finally be able to “legally” drink, although 90% of us had already done so prior; we have to wait for our checks after we already put in the work; patience is always being taught, but not always being learned, and it happens more to some people than others. It is a key to living a fulfilling life because for most of us, we don’t get what we want or demand at the snap of a finger.

You have to be able to look bullshit in the face and say regardless of what happens, I will defeat this and overcome it, and that to me is what fortitude is; Being able to come through under overwhelming circumstances. Patience goes hand in hand with that because your not going to snap your fingers and defeat all your demons at once. You have to take those fuckers on one at a time, and be patient in doing so. Not a lot of people have the worldview I do, or have had the history or background that I do, but people struggle all across this planet every time you say 1, 2, 3. Some don’t have access to clean water and the packaged meats and boxed plastic goods that we do in America. Even some Americans, some people who risked their lives and limbs to defend this country don’t have those things. However, there are some that can rise from those ashes, or roses that grow threw that concrete and overcome all that and eventually make water accessible for more people, or make that change for themselves and others that has a positive ripple affect around an area, or country, and its because of the patience and fortitude they had to make it happen.

That leads finally to perseverance. No matter what, you have to put your head down and keep on truckin’. When I first started college, I was just happy to have gotten in. I didn’t know I was going to finish, I didn’t even know what a major was really. I was the first in both sides of my families to get in, and that at the time was sufficient enough for me, an accomplishment in and of itself. However, I made a decision one day, to persevere through whatever hard times I may come across in my personal life or my academic life and finish that shit out. The state of Colorado and Fort Lewis College both made an investment in me as a person not only by accepting me into their institution, but funding the education I received as well. It was the best thing to happen to me in my life, and regardless of the dollar amount on the bill or interest I’ll wind up paying, I doubt I can ever pay them back fully.

It was hard at times, very hard, learning French, and being asked what my parents did for a living, or learning about finances and making amortization tables, and doing stats, and dissecting a company, and things like that; but I learned, the best way I knew how and that was by digging my face in a textbook or the internet all night if I had to, drilling it in my brain trying to grasp the concepts and eventually I did. This didn't include the shit going on in my personal life, which was a whole other ball game in itself. I persevered, and it paid off in the end.

Have goals, both short term and long term. My goal is to go somewhere different at least once a year, and if its in Europe, I want to stop in my home away from home of Malaga and visit my host mom. I already have a friend interning with the European parliament in Luxemborg that wants me to go visit, a few friends in Germany, a friend in Japan, Brazil, Argentina, and currently have a friend down in Cuba willing to pay part of my expenses and help me get a travel visa through his family. Traveling is my drug of choice. It elevates my mind into a euphoria unlike anything else on this planet. Its what keeps me going, and what I live for. By the time I am laying on my death bed, I want to have no regrets or have any wishes that I wanted to fulfill but didn't. I have so much to see and do still, but there is also a lot of work involved in order to be able to do these things. I don't live to work, I work to live. 

I have been living out of a backpack or suitcase for quite a while. Its not fulfilling at times. The reason I do it is because I am free to up and leave whenever I want. I have no tie downs to anywhere; to any person, town, state, or country. I am as free a spirit as one can find. I have no children, and I believe I am a good father for not having them yet. I have no wife, although that was one of my dreams after graduation. My view on “love” and relationships is so skewed from my personal experiences and what I see around me, I don’t think its something I really want to get involved in again in my life. However, I know that in order to pass on my seed, I need to suck it up one of these days after I turn 30ish, and take that risk, but it will be a very very calculated and well thought out and planned risk when I do. No more of this spontaneous love at first sight, lets get together now type of bullshit that I did when I was young.

I don’t believe the world in which we live fosters long lasting and trustworthy relationships. Us men go to work to make the money on average 8 hours a day, while our wives or significant others sit at home sometimes and watch soap operas about affairs, and cheating, and infidelity. They are swamped by the mass media trying to emulate the same level of glamour and gossip as the people on TV and in Hollywood, like the ‘Tard-ashians, or real housewives of wherever the fuck, or whatever. So the seeds are being planted in their heads all day while they sit at home or even at work (for the hardworking women out there ) online, in movies, in magazines, in their romance novels, soap operas, tv programming, news, its just plain madness. You see peoples wives dressed skimpy on TV, doing skimpy things, tossing their ass and privates all over wildly on the screen for the masses, while husbands just sit there with smirks on their faces enjoying it as if it wasn't their wife (jay z/beyonce, kim k and Kanye etc…) and most people emulate that! I feel with the power mass media has, it should probably be used for more useful and productive things, like educating people on culture, language, things that happen inside our borders, outside our borders, promote positive stories, positive things, positive thinking. If it had, maybe our world wouldn't be so full of people who make mockeries of age old sacred institutions likes marriage, which leads to people like me not even want to have any part of it. Oh well though, I'm just one guy with his thoughts.

Well, this post is becoming quite long, so I better end it for now. There are things I have seen and learned in my 27 years. I am a quiet person, I don’t like to talk much, I like to listen observe, and analyze. Don’t mistake any of those words or tendencies for judging, because judging is not what I do. For one, I don’t get paid for it, and for 2, its gods work, not mine or any other human beings. The way I see it, once someone passes the age of 18, they are a big girl, or a big boy and should by then be able to figure it out. I could care less what people do, I like to focus on my program and no one else's. I currently sit here at the age of 27, with no vehicle, and no place to call a home of my own where I can wake up at 2:30 am with a bunch of shit on my mind in my boxers, turn on the TV, scratch my balls, smoke a bowl maybe and ease the mind.

 I cherish my solitude more than anything else, and in my current situation, it lacks. I am working to get back to at least that. I am a cancer/crab, so by nature, I need my own shell to go chill in and relax in. When I don’t have my shell to resort to, things get tough, I get irritable faster than normal, I think too much and begin to dwell and that’s out of my element. I am a peaceful person who likes to do and enjoys doing things on his own. I am most productive when I have that solitude available, to paint, to practice my Spanish guitar, to draw, to read and learn more. Here is to hoping I find my way soon out here in Southern California….

God bless you, readers of my blog, and I implore you to ditch an hour a day of the TV you watch for an hour of learning something, or checking into what is happening in the world around you, or simply going somewhere new for a walk and connect with the world or universe around you, rather than connecting with something that teaches you all wrong, to cheat on your husband or spouse, or to tell god he did a bad job creating you and get plastic surgery or alter your temple you were blessed with in any way, or to spend your money that you break your back for every day on ridiculously high priced fashion, or any of that sort of bullshit that is propagated by mass media. Get out of that bubble you live in, if just for an hr, experience being uncomfortable because it is those who have been willing to ditch their levels of comfort in search of something new, maybe not more rewarding, but something different, that have laid the foundations of the world in which we live today. It was the ones who decided to leave their families, and venture out in the world by foot or ship that discovered new countries, new things, new people, new ideas, new ways of life. Discovery is made possible by leaving the comfort zones, and without discovery, we would still all be Neanderthals barely knowing how to light a fire and communicate. Some of those Neanderthals split from the pack, and ventured out and learned new things by getting out there going into the land of the unknown. Until next time readers, have a great and blessed day and may you learn something new every day, or at least make an effort to. Buen camino…

With that, I leave you with a song, one of my desires to maybe give you an idea. I strongly desire to go to the carnival of venice, italy one day, and mask up and get lost and not be me for a day or 2. This song and video is a mix of who I am, italian, spanish guitar, explorer, dreamer, wanderer, lost in the world experiencing things while keeping an eye open for that love... hope ya like....