Reflections....

As i set here on my bed on my 2nd to last friday night and listen to this song, i reflected on several things. Today was such an amazing and accomplished day for me personally on so many levels. I woke up today at 6 oclock, knowing that I likely would have absolutely no free time to myself until well into the evening. I showered and headed it and got to spend some of the morning with my sister, god son/nephew and biological mom. So right away it started out a blessing because when we can all be together is certainly a rarity, especially so early. I went to El Centro at my campus to make sure the mural I had been working on was finalized and completely ready for display. I also had to finish the paper i wrote on what everything meant and the story behind that mural, a french final composition paper 2 pages long, and then work on a presentation for my senior sem in strategic management on a crazy project about economic gardening. After that presentation I had to finalize a 10 page paper to submit by 330 for that same project and have time to prepare to present my mural and tell its story by 4. This doesnt include the final portfolio assignment i didn't turn in in senior sem, or the 2 papers in tourism and hospitality management i didn't do either, simply for a genuine lack of time and prioritizing things that meant more to me, but if I could have done them and had the time, believe me I would have. I have been working my ass off on this mural, on this economic gardening project which will be used by the small business development center to educate people on the subject and pass along some of our suggestion to legislation being proposed in july. So in a sense, I left a good impression with the school of business, as well as with the multi cultural center that i worked for, El Centro, with the mural.
It was almost an out of body experience today, because I haven't really got to enjoy that feeling of family and positivity and that stuff for so long. Through grudges, and hate, death and negativity my family had been torn apart. In many respects it still is. For being such a big family, i feel like we are so broken sometimes. I do at times want to say I understand why, but other times I think that life is too short and maybe we shouldn't be the way we are with eachother, because in the end, all we have is family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, with all my heart and they have been the gas that has fueled the fire of my soul and desire to strive far beyond what I have thought comprehensible, and its all because I want them to see that so many more things are possible, and we dont have to be so hateful. I understand we have been emotionally and socially shocked throughout our lives from grieving and trauma and what not, but the truth shall set us free and that truth is that yes, several bad things have happened, but we live to overcome them and go further and beyond.
In truth, I thought today was going to be compromised in some respects, with respect to how my mural is interpreted by all cultures and sub cultures as well as the family setting for me that was there. You see, things have been broken as I said for awhile, and today, for the first time in god knows how long, I was together with both of my little sisters, my brother, my uncle, my godson and my biological mom. It turned out to be so much better for me because I think differences were set aside out of respect for me and my accomplishments, regardless of what the past had brought. And I couldn't be more thankful.
On another note, I got to recognize several of my peers, co workers, and inspirations today. I got to thank Jen, who helped with the initial idea of a mural on the mirrors at el centro; shirena for being such a wonderful guide during my time and someone who has made so many things happen for me on so many fronts; my little sister hope for helping with the drawing and working with her all year and becoming closer; my friends alfredo and manuel chavarria for helping with the mural and being inspirations to me; and the students and staff and club members and everyone at the wonderful center I had the opportunity to work at all year long. It was the cherry on top of such an amazing and blessed day for me.
I came home and started listening to this song, Italia. It got me kind of down and made me start reflecting. It made me realize that I live for a bigger purpose now. That I am on a journey for others to see and be inspired by, and whether I go through this entire journey alone or not, I will leave up to god. Thy will be done. As I got to spend time with my family today and especially my god son shane, it made me think of how much I want a family of my own. I want to nurture it and see it grow into something amazing. My story has been a little unorthodox compared to most in that regard, and I wont get into the nitty gritty because I dont dwell in the past and take into account sunk costs. However, I do know that if given the opportunity to have my own family would be the only blessing left that I desire so bad, more so than anything. I feel like i have already done everything else I wanted to do, except for that, I want it so badly, but yet can not make permanent decisions based off of temporary emotions. I have to be patient and trust that god will either guide me in the write direction and cross me in the right paths or just trust that he knows exactly what he is doing if he wishes i endure this journey alone. On several times i have doubted, questioned and criticized my creator and his angels. But all through out life, they have guided me, from here to there, to places I never dreamt of. I have been put into positions that i didn't necessarily ask for, but more that just happened like it was supposed to happen, like it was written. I have a very strong faith and connection with my father. Though I never enjoyed the pleasure of a real father here on earth, i do say that my father was a carpenter, and a man of faith, and when I do I refer to Jesus Cristo. There are so many instances where he has guided throughout the times and throughout the lands across the globe, when I had no one, or nothing, but him.
Tonight, I got sad, and cried. I hate to cry, i hate to be emotional, I try to just be calm cool and collected without showing much emotion. I hide all my feelings, weather sad or happy, excited or depressed or what have you. But the tears started flowing tonight, as I looked at my mothers picture, and reflected on all the people whose paths crossed mine, directly and indirectly, and all the people before me, with me now, and the ones in the future to come. And if we have talked and got to know eachother even if just a few instances, believe me, I will never forget you and appreciate you. Through work or school, or history, or jail, or juvenile detention, I remember everyone who has made an impact in my life. And there have been several. I am greatful, and I still have graduation to get over, which will be another huge day. But today was a huge accomplishment for me on so many levels and an enjoyable and blessed day with family, friends, co workers and the like. Thank all of you, you have made it possible for me to be where I am today.